A Hindu-Muslim joke

A Hindu and a Muslim entered the bar. Although ‘bar’ was written on the signboard outside, it was not the bar but the Income Tax Office. After paying their respective taxes to the secular government of secular India, they both went hungry. So they went to a restaurant in Belgium to have cake on the way.

As they were chewing on their cake, The Hindu exclaimed, “The prices of petrol and diesel are really reasonable nowadays, don’t you think?”

“Absolutely,” said Muslim. “They are incredibly reasonable. The government really cares about the people.”

After finishing the cake, Hindu felt like drinking coffee. Incidentally, the Muslim felt the same way. So they both ordered Belgian filter coffee.

As they were drinking their respective coffees, the Muslim said, “Isn’t India really peaceful and non-violent these days?”

“Absolutely,” said the Hindu. “The government is doing a great job of maintaining law and order.”

“India is best for minorities,” Muslim nodded appreciatively.

“Listen,” said the Hindu. “You know, right, that we’re both living inside a Hindu-Muslim joke?”

“Of course.”

“Shouldn’t we make some basic rules so that anyone reading this doesn’t even have a 1% chance of being offended?”

“excellent idea!” Muslim said.

“I have an idea for a rule,” said The Hindu. “Let’s avoid controversial topics.”

“It’s the best rule I’ve heard in my whole life,” said Muslim. “May I make a suggestion too?”

“Sure.”

“Whatever you say, whatever it may be, I will always agree with you. How about that?”

“Super,” said the Hindu. “In any case, we are not real, complex, human beings with multiple identities, but two life forms whose only active identity is the dharma given to us. So, as long as we stick to these two rules, everything It’ll be fine.”

“There is one more thing,” said Muslim.

“What?”

“You see,” Muslim began, “we Indians take great pride – especially when we are out of India or speaking to the Pope – in the fact that India is a democracy that protects free speech. “

“therefore?”

“Wouldn’t the notion that some people are always waiting to commit crimes would not be disrespectful to some people?”

“Great point,” said The Hindu. “Along with politically sensitive topics such as peace, non-violence and democracy, avoid topics such as freedom of expression and committing crimes.”

“Makes total sense,” said Muslim. “Can we even make a list of absolutely harmless topics we can live with for the duration of this joke?”

“Certainly,” said The Hindu.

“How about the game?” Muslim said. “Should we talk about sports? Do you like sports?”

“I do, my friend. But sport involves cricket, and cricket is a politically sensitive subject, because Pakistan also plays cricket. That’s why we can’t discuss sports, I’m afraid.”

“Of course!” The Muslim said, patting his head. “How can I forget all the people!”

“How about food?” The Hindu said.

“Eat?!” Muslim raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“Drat!” The Hindu said. “You’re so right, brother! How can I even imagine bringing food to this joke?”

“Glad you have noticed my point and I don’t have to disagree with you,” said Muslim.

They both sat quietly, trying to think of risk-free topics to advance the joke. Then the Hindu looked up.

“How about real estate? Have you bought your house yet? I’m good at it, you know. I know some really cool properties, great location, great prices.”

The Muslim kept looking at his Hindu friend silently.

“Tell me what your budget is,” The Hindu continued.

“We will get it,” said Muslim, making strange faces.

“Excuse me? Will you bring this to the ghetto?”

“I was saying we should get out,” said Muslim. “From this restaurant. Let’s take a walk. There’s a park nearby.”

As they were taking a walk in the park, Muslim said, “Any new ideas for a safe topic we can talk about?”

“How about COVID-19?” The Hindu said.

The Muslim stopped. “You mean, Corona?”

“I’m sorry, brother,” said the Hindu. “I completely forgot what happened last year.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said the Muslim. “What about architecture?”

Now it was the turn of the Hindus to be careful. “Are you sure you want to go there? You want to talk about buildings?!”

“My mistake!” Muslim said. “Both construction and demolition are such volatile subjects!”

As they were walking, racking their brains to talk about something safe, they saw an empty bench and sat down. A cow came and sat beside him.

The cow said, “I haven’t got beef with any of you guys.” “But something tells me one of you is going to jail.”

“What?” The Hindu was shocked.

“But why?” Muslim said.

At this point just before the punch line the police got into the joke and arrested Muslim. For the record, I’m deflecting this joke.

The author of this satire, G. Sampath is the editor of Social Affairs, Hindu.

sampath.g@thehindu.co.in