are you hungry yet? This is the intention. feeling faint? How many fingers can you see? 11? Excellent.
Do exactly what you’ve been told. Don’t shout Or we’ll have to sit on you. still live. We really don’t like to hurt you. We do this to survive. We have to feed the family. I also have relatives who came last month and are showing no signs of leaving. We have orders for you to do so. We are not bad people.
It won’t hurt if you don’t struggle. Once more you will be at peace forever. Close your eyes. Now relax, think of someone you love. Your wife. Your neighbor’s wife.
Feeling lightheaded already? Still, now, still. Stand up and follow us. Don’t try to escape. We’ll find you. Our people are everywhere. go here Hand over your clothes, underclothes, shoes. You can’t run away now.
We can see that you are trembling. It’s cold, yes. Don’t fall asleep We have orders to keep you awake and conscious. count sheep!
Answer our questions truthfully. We know you’ve been lying about this – and that – and your age. We have ways to reach the truth. We don’t like to lie. My relatives had promised to go on Sunday but they haven’t yet.
Hand over your wallet and your jewellery. protest is futile. Leave. It looks like fake gold. Hey R – doesn’t it sound like fake gold to you? Mercy! No, not your silver tooth. We have ways to get it out if needed. but not now.
walk this Way. Down the last, long corridor. Stop counting sheep. This is getting on my nerves.
That door at the end? go inside. who says in the room stay away. Danger, Skull and Crossbones. Quick. It will be over in a jiffy. You will not feel any pain. Let us hook you up with this cool steel machine. without moving. No one will hear your screams. stop screaming. And stop counting sheep. This room is soundproof, we made sure of that.
Now, hold your breath. while we escape. Just think of something happy: blue sky, floating, always happy. Your neighbor’s wife. Hold your breath. you are turning blue This is to be expected. Don’t breathe All you will see is a bright light. Take care! be brave. Now we’re leaving. Remember, you don’t know our names.
‘Hello,’ I heard him say again. ‘please pay attention. This is an annual checkup, not a holdup. We really need to start. Now your name please.
Like I’ll ever tell them the truth.
Where Happily Never After author Jane De Souza talks about the quirks, quacks, and hacks of the week