Communicating Sexual Needs: Challenges Faced by Couples

Communication on sexual issues, needs and expectations is one of the most difficult challenges many couples face. In Indian families, it is not common to openly discuss sexual issues with parents or other family members. Because of the hesitation on this ‘alleged taboo subject’ experienced while growing up, talking about anything related to sex is ignored, delayed or avoided for many years. Thus, many people do not learn to communicate on these matters.

Many couples engage in sexual activity blindly or optimistically hoping that they know what their partner expects and likes. Often a very fragmented knowledge is gained through the paranormal depiction of sex that one encounters in pornographic material or presumed erotica. This half-baked knowledge always leads to poorly informed sex and can lead to an awkward, clumsy and unpleasant situation when trying to be sexually active.

Couples need to ask each other questions such as “Does this feel nice and pleasant?”, “What would you like me to do to make it better?”, “Are you enjoying our intimacy?”, “Is there something in particular you’d like me to do differently or something you don’t want me to do at all?” “Should we try something new?”

Although such discussions are necessary between a couple, not so many people pay attention to these matters and such communication remains secret. As a rule, I tell all married and newly married couples who come to me for counseling that they should avoid pretending to know and guess what their partner wants, likes, likes. And even hates it.

While it’s also true that many young women don’t know what they really want in the early days of their sex lives, it’s only a matter of time before they begin to find out what they really want. What they like or like and of course what they don’t like. They may mechanically participate in sexual activity thinking that they are expected and “should” be enjoying what their partner is doing. Impressing your partner is more than just being authentic.

Traditional masculine patterns often put a lot of pressure on men to always be in control. Many men become falsely convinced that they are expected to know what to do with women in bed in order to be a ‘real man’. It’s an unrealistic and cumbersome way to label yourself. It is the responsibility of both partners to expand their knowledge on matters of sexual intimacy, and communicating is the only master-key to exploring and ultimately learning more.

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