Illustration by Satish Vellinezzi
I got a call from ‘The Hindu’. Er… not a community, it’s a newspaper; which you are reading. It is not that I got a call from a Parsi, or a Muslim, or a Christian. That’s the call I got so let’s go with that. The callers were clear they wanted me to write a column. I asked the woman who called if she had read anything I wrote. His reply was, “Of course not, that’s why we want you to write”. We both immediately accepted the logic behind that statement, with less derision than expected.
We then proceed to tackle two of the most important facts of journalism in the 21st century. (a) On what subject to write? (b) What clothes should be worn while writing? (By the way, she also requested that I not use the (a), (b) and (c) style of setting the point because it is a simple and childish way of communication, so… er… then Never).
He then gave me subjects from which we should stay away; The list includes, politics and religion (which are often one and the same thing in the country), any living person, co-operatives, banks, animals, Vedic principles, history and Manish Sisodia. Between you and me, I’m only experiencing growth as a writer from the last few lines. Please note how this author, in Lionel Messi style, passed on the chance to use (a), (b) and (c) style in that last paragraph. I love my options. On that principle, and on that principle only, my wife decided to marry me!
After a few minutes of serious thought – mainly because Rohit Sharma was batting on 98 at the time and the lady desperately wanted to see him reach three figures – meanwhile I turned to topics I freewheeled. Could, and could occasionally drive, even if it meant breaking a no entry and driving on the wrong side of the road. A privilege that Mumbai has mastered and Bengaluru is improving upon.
These topics came flying at me thick and fast. Keep in mind that the length of the column has to be 27 or according to the algorithm I will not be able to render at the moment. So, we need topics, subjects, events, viewpoints, or whatever we can forward from the internet. My list here is in no particular order, and is clearly not a complete, exhaustive list. Shaving, waxing, cleaning cars, dog walkers, arthritis, plastic fruit industry, filtering water, short pants and Indian men, sugar free ice cream and SMS in Sanskrit.
However, dear reader, today’s topic is pretty obvious, we need a title for this column. Something that symbolizes and indicates the essence of the pillar. The lady boss had two options. The first was ‘Pratibbim’, to which I had choked up tears. The second was ‘meditation’ on which my response was about to end. In addition the descendants of Marcus Aurelius, now known as the Gomes family, could sue. And it’s not a good start for the column.
I had no choice at this point but to raise my hand, first to stretch, and then to suggest, with a stroke of accidental genius, “the pillar that wasn’t there”. As Saadat Hasan Manto once said, (the only alleged quote from him in English), “Always borrow what you already have”.
I pause because they refuse to add in a drum roll, or appropriate fanfare music. Now then, with no fanfare and little pomp, we present, “The Pillar That Wasn’t”.
Er… next time… er… of course.
The author has dedicated his life to communism. Although only on weekends.