India is the largest democracy in the world. And yet, there are hardly any training institutes where people can go and learn how to vote. I do not mean the physical act of voting. Everyone knows how it’s done: You go to a polling station, stand in a queue till the EVM does its job, then take a selfie showing an inked finger. No, I’m talking about the mental side of it: How do you decide which candidate or party is best for you, your kids, and the country?
Unfortunately, there aren’t even any guides or self-help books on the subject. So, in the public interest, I am sharing the basic principles of voting that will help you choose wisely. remember them before the next Election in your area.
consider your vote bank
This is the first and most important principle to keep in mind. Akshay Kumar, unless you are a multi-millionaire or a serial buyer of electoral bonds, you belong to a vote bank. There are many vote banks like Dalit vote bank, Muslim vote bank, Yadav vote bank etc. They automatically cast their vote based on whichever party is best for the welfare of the planet. But rest of you, once you have identified your vote bank, do some research. Listen to the poll experts on TV, read the experts on the op-ed pages, watch opinion polls. From all these you will be able to find out which party’s vote bank you belong to. That’s the party you should vote for.
This column is satirical on life and society
don’t get caught up in the real issues
Nowadays political parties have become so clever that if they feel that they cannot win over a section of voters, they try to mislead them. Fortify yourself against such tactics. Check which parties are talking about things like unemployment, health care, schooling and inflation. Remember that only people who do not know how to win elections will talk about these issues. So avoid these parties/candidates like the plague – unless you want to waste your vote on the losing party.
Check which party promises to protect you from danger
According to the most recent census, 79.8% of Indians are Hindu. So there is a 79.8% chance that you are part of the majority. Feels great. But who’s to say that by the present time you’ll still be part of the majority Era ends, which is just a matter of 4,26,877 years? Simply put, you could be in serious danger and not even worry about it. Find out which party reminds you of feeling threatened by the 20.2% of people who don’t dress or pray like you. That’s it for you.
Look for candidates with criminal records
If a candidate has been accused of murder, dacoity, rioting, rape, arson, cheating, or at least attempted murder, it indicates a strong drive and killer instincts. They are most motivated to win elections and serve the people. They are better off for candidates with so-called clean records, whose ambition is not enough to compel them to break the law for the sake of the country.
Is your candidate giving you cash or alcohol?
If a candidate is distributing money and free liquor, it means he wants to make you rich and drunk. He’s your guy – unless you want to be poor and quiet.
Can your candidate change clothes seven times in six hours?
Most of us find it a burden to change or replace our gym clothes and office clothes. Still, we don’t give enough credit to the politician who takes pains to change his clothes, makeup and headdress two dozen times a day. Only someone who values the time and attention of voters and photographers would go to this extent, and clearly it’s worth supporting – at the very least, you’ll get something to look at.
Does your candidate admire the Supreme Leader?
While it’s true that India is the world’s largest democracy, let’s not get carried away – India also has a Supreme Leader, and his or her word is the final word on everything, including who you vote for. So consider only those candidates who have taken at least one selfie with her. If a candidate has been criticizing them – even if it was 50 years ago when that candidate was in another party – remove them.
Follow these principles and enjoy unlimited prosperity and democracy forever.
The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in