Dear Pain Akka,
I’m a 19-year-old boy who has fallen in love with a beautiful girl whom I see every morning at the bus-stop on my way to college. Looks like she’s on her way to college too, which is a strong common thing between us. He likes to wear jeans and kurtas and that is my normal outfit too. We both always carry books. All this made me realize that she is my soul mate. Then came the peak moment. I always stare at him. For two days she has been looking back. He has a frown on his face but it could be due to strong sunlight. I know she loves me. I want to propose to her. Should I follow him home? Or send him a letter? Please advise.
— thrilled, waiting, impatient, tingling
DEAR TWIT,
I just saw a powerful video in which a man like you, imagining falling madly in love with a young woman, sabotages her marriage and tries to smear her forehead with vermilion, as if The bride and groom are exchanging garlands. No doubt he considers himself a romantic and tragic figure but in normal, legal parlance such people are called ‘stalkers’. Of course, hunter and victim does not have the same ring as Romeo and Juliet, But legal luminaries aren’t always great writers, I’m sorry to say.
Although they are very good punters. Even as Tamil and Hindi cinema is all about glorifying these youths, who chase women in rural areas, the language of the Indian Penal Code is quite sharp and clear and calls these actions ‘sexual harassment offences’. as described. In short, if you follow this girl child, you can be jailed for 2-3 years with heavy fines. I have always found that being in prison dulls the edge of passion.
In the meantime, let me tell you that the neighborhood cat and I are exhibiting some extraordinarily similar behavior. For example, we both seem to sleep for 12-14 hours a day. We both like to drink wine. As long as I keep asking for milk to alternate between coffee and some stronger spirits. We both are crazy about balcony. We can sit there for hours. Yet, unlike you, I have developed no strong desire to write him a note or follow him home.
Also, here’s some breaking news for you – if a girl barks at you, it’s not a sign of hidden love. Science still has no reason to believe that women’s facial expressions are the opposite of their actual feelings. If there is an update on this I will get in touch with you.
As far as I can see, the affection you are describing is as mutual as that between a dog and a lamp. I realize that the best traditions of our cinema dictate that now you swing around lampposts while yodeling but that doesn’t go well in real life. Please stop disturbing the lamppost. Go home.
– AA
pain.akka@gmail.com
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