Dear Pain Akka,
My neighbours, a middle-aged couple with no children, are the worst. They are constantly spying on me and my brother and reporting to the parents. If the boys in my class are coming to take notes, she is reporting. Brother’s friends are talking loudly so they are complaining. If you listened to them, you would think that we are the last remnants of the Roman Empire left behind to orgy. Last week they became super nuisance. We had a small party at home and cooked Mutton Biryani, Prawn Fry, Chicken 65. Neighbors have been complaining constantly since then – too much non-veg, offensive smell, goofy, hurt feelings, over and over again. It is unbearable. Please suggest some remedies.
— Going Almost Looney
Dear Gal,
I am always sympathetic towards neighbor’s problems because I hate neighbors too. Both my neighbors on the top floor and on the second floor are unbearable. always want to go. Or calling me for a walk. Or giving me unsolicited advice. I want to ask him, am I Agoni Akka or both of you, please shut up.
However, in your case, you probably made a fundamental error. You didn’t invite the couple to the Diwali party. If you were and if you could convince your parents to give them a drink or two, everything could be sunny between you all. it’s too late now. Now naturally they will complain about the smell of food.
This complaint seems to be a peculiar feature of the Indian landlords. Once I met a potential landlord who is living in Boston and is completely eating non-veg burgers and pizza, but he was insisting that his flat in Kasturba Nagar is only for 100% vegetarian tenant. So I asked him if his flat is vegetarian and he is non-vegetarian but he could not give me any suitable answer.
Another potential landlady was living in Seoul for several years where you know they put fish oil in salads too. All of its neighbors were strictly omnivores, following the principle that if something moves, they will eat it. The landlady is a very tolerant person over there, not bothered by any smell emanating from the window next door. But if you cook eggs at her flat in Chennai, some 5,000 km away, the smell is bothering her and hence she wants a completely vegetarian tenant.
Indian vegetarians be it, we are so sensitive that everyone should respect their nose. Nevertheless, funnily enough, asafoetida or hing is considered one of the most offensive odors in the world of cuisine. Actually, it is called devil’s dung and people claim that it smells of rotten garlic. or sweat. An entire Agatha Christie novel was unraveled because its smell was giving the killer. Still, ask your neighbor aunt to cook food without hing and she will be in awe.
The only way to deal is to get on a low horse. Please see if you can somehow order durian fruit. Like most fruits, it is completely vegetarian. But the smell emanating from it has been described as raw sewage or rotting meat. Place it comfortably on the dinner table and invite your neighbors over.
Or try and ask someone to bring you some NATO from Japan. These are sticky, fermented soybeans and they smell like dirty gym socks. Again, 100% vegetarian.
As soon as your good neighbor turns sickly green, you can quietly notify yourself of fish fingers on next week’s menu. They will beg you to cook non-veg for the rest of your life. The next time uncles and aunts talk about something, remind them that the stakes are equal – one person’s devil’s dung is always on the other person’s tongue.
– AA
pain.akka@gmail.com
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