getting on with the blues

wooE has always known that death is a part of life because it is death that gives meaning to existence, reminding us how precious life is. Although arguably no one understands death as a reminder of our death, our emotions swell as we face the terrifying burden of loss that comes with the passing of life.

The word “misery” comes from the Old French word grever meaning burden or oppression. The traditional way to work through grief is to go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Depression lasts the longest and comes before acceptance. Over 100 years ago, Freud proposed that “the decisive end of grief occurs when the bereaved breaks the emotional attachment to the individual and reinvests energy in a new object”. Grief is an internal experience of loss, whereas grief is an outward expression of grief.

The fictional story of Kafka and the traveling doll is said to have originated when, a year before her death, the author encountered a heartbroken little girl while she was walking through Stieglitz Park in Berlin. The little girl was inconsolable as she had lost her doll. After helping him find the lost doll, Kafka announced that he should not worry as his doll had gone on a trip and being a postman, he had a letter from the doll which he would bring the next day. Kafka met the child the next day at the same place and read a letter she had written in which the doll asked, “Please do not mourn me; I have gone on a journey to see the world. I will write to you about my adventures.” This was the beginning of several meticulously written letters about the beloved doll’s fictional adventures that Kafka handed to the girl every day for three weeks. When these meetings were over, Kafka presented the child with a doll, apparently differed from the original, but was attached with a note saying, “My journey has changed me… Everything you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love returns in a different form.” will do.”

This short story tells how we hold onto certain things for too long and focus so intensely on its loss that we still don’t understand all the other wonderful aspects of life. Change is often hard at first, messy in the middle but gorgeous in the end. Grief over loss is an essential part of being human and the direction of healing is to see how love comes back in another form.

deep loss

There are times in life when it is normal to be sad and we should not talk to ourselves about it. The loss of a loved one is perhaps the deepest expression of such loss, but all types of loss, including divorce, breakup, job loss, miscarriage, leaving home with children or adverse life events, generate almost the same amount of emotion. Acknowledging the universality of loss helps us deal with the associated guilt, shame, and loneliness while the loss itself becomes a transformative experience.

If grief is a wound, healing occurs when personal growth takes place around that wound and we learn to live again. Rarely, the grief lasts long and the grief remains unbearable leading to complex behavioral and emotional reactions.

Unlike the deaths depicted on TV, the experience of dying may not always provide a spiritually meaningful ending. Death may well be simple and anti-climatic. There will always be remorse no matter how much we have to prepare for a loss, and guilt and anger are normal. Death brings out the best and worst in families and people can say hurtful things without even realizing it. It is important to remember that there is no time to grieve. Some people will grieve forever in some form or the other but the pain of loss is a reflection of love.

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