As a special favor to coffee table publishers, I’m offering four completely original ideas for coffee table books that are guaranteed to become bestsellers.
For reasons I can’t disclose due to national security, I’ve spent the last week thinking about Coffee Table Books. What are they? Why do they exist? What, if anything, do they have to do with coffee? Much research, deep contemplation and several liters of coffee later, I am now able to share some insightful understandings.
1. No one buys Coffee Table Book: To date, there is no record of any human being actually spending money to buy a coffee table book. Some researchers speculate that no one buys coffee table books because they are always gifted. But it still begs the question: How can you give a gift without buying a gift first? I interviewed several coffee tables for this column. None of them could explain how those heavy, fat things sat on their faces.
2. Coffee Table Books Are Not Actually Books: Call me old-fashioned, but in my book (pun intended), a basic criterion for an item to be called a ‘book’ is that it must be read. But coffee table books are not read. As Wikipedia says, a coffee table book is intended “to be displayed on a table for use in an area in which one entertains guests”. Unlike a normal book, which is made to be read, the purpose of a coffee table book is to be seen, and once seen, “to inspire conversation”. Sadly, they are a complete failure – the level of failure in free speech comparable to the US in Afghanistan and India – in this regard. That’s when you try to sell them to Reddywala, that’s when they inspire conversation (and fear).
3. The coffee table books are pretty full on their own: Sure, you might be blessed with art paper, big photos, and a great price, but does that mean you name a table after yourself? Or rather, name yourself a table that symbolizes the furniture of the house? If Coffee Table Book was a man, he would be dismissed as an arrogant asshole. Instead, we kill innocent trees for their sake.
4. They are an easy method of drug money laundering: One problem that drug dealers always face is how to convert black money into white. These days, of course, you have electoral bonds. But if you’re allergic to politics, coffee table books are an attractive option on two counts: one, they’re so expensive to produce that they can absorb infinite amounts of cash; Two, as ideal gift items, they are easy to distribute in large quantities without arousing doubt.
5. The Best in Coffee Table Books Are Yet to Come: For far too long, coffee table books have stuck to the same old hackneyed themes – wildlife, food, wine and handicrafts. I mean, how often can you talk to your guests about pandas who can cook, enjoy their wine, and love handicrafts? So, as a special favor to coffee table publishers, I’m offering four completely original ideas for coffee table books that are guaranteed to become bestsellers:
a. Man-eaters’ food: Traditionally, coffee table books on wildlife have tended to focus excessively on predators such as tigers or leopards. It would cover fresh ground by focusing on hunting, and what prey could be more deserving of being immortalized in a coffee table book than former members of our own species? The book will feature interviews with family and descendants of people eaten by India’s most famous man-eaters, with mouth-watering pictures of many other foods that man-eaters could eat, but could not, like chicken. soybeans, and chili cheese.
NS. Manual Scavengers of India: Scavenging is a fast disappearing profession in India, though a profession that is not disappearing fast. This coffee table book will bring to your living room the last generation of an ancient profession that is on the verge of extinction rather than extinct. Needless to say, the book will feature high-res photos of manual scavengers at work. Guaranteed to start a conversation with, if nothing else, whoever is sipping tea at your coffee table.
C. Famous Politicians in Fancy Costumes: This would include beautifully drawn photographs of the famous politician in fancy dress and feathered headdress, preferably waving to a non-existent crowd. The important thing is that none of the frames should have a non-existent crowd. Unlike normal coffee table books, it will also have pictures of (politicians) on the copyright page.
D. Book of Universal Religious Blasphemy: This book will contain no text and no pictures, so that it does not contain anything that could possibly offend the followers of any religion. It will be sold in tightly packed, vacuum-sealed metal containers that can only be opened after payment has been made. The idea is to make quick money by tricking India’s vast population into buying the book – and possibly a fortune.
Yes. Sampath, the author of this satire, is the editor of social affairs, Hindu.
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