Dr. Rachna Khanna Singh’s response: It can be overwhelming to think that your partner is having an affair. You may experience a gamut of emotions, however, the situation can be tactfully dealt with by adopting some effective strategies. Some of them are discussed below.
talk to your partner. Although it may seem painful to bring up the affair with your partner, it is important that you ask questions so that you can assess what really happened. Find a private place to talk where you won’t be interrupted. If you don’t feel ready to talk together you can consider relationship counseling, where you will have a safe and confidential space to discuss things.
Avoid cutting into what your partner is saying. Let him finish before answering. You will undoubtedly be shocked and upset, but try not to start yelling or leave the room.
Ask your partner to tell you the truth, no matter how painful it may be. Recovery after an affair is always worse if the lie is told early.
Ask questions if necessary, but try to focus on the facts. For example, you can ask how long the affair lasted and what your partner wants to do now. The most important question for many people is ‘Why?’ But sometimes a partner may not tell you this right away and his perspective often changes over time. ‘Were they better than me in bed?’ Avoid asking questions like You may want to talk about this sort of thing later, but it’s better to establish the facts first.
Immediately avoid blaming your partner, affair partner or yourself. You may find it tempting to insult your partner or fall into their affair partner’s name-calling, but it often gets in the way of true understanding. You must also resist self-blame. You may wonder if your own shortcomings have led to the affair, but while you were both responsible for your relationship, you can never be responsible for your partner’s choices. Affair can never be the ‘fault’ of a faithful partner.
Take time to think about what you want to do next. Once you’ve established the facts, be slow to judge if your partner resolves to end the relationship and re-commit to your relationship. You will need to consider whether you are able to forgive the breach of trust and you may not yet have all the information to make that decision. You will be able to decide only after talking and establishing the reasons for the affair. However you can say that you are willing to work with your partner and try to understand why this has happened. At this point, you may find it helpful to talk to a relationship counselor who can work with the two of you to determine your next steps.
Identify what you need from your partner. It is important to determine what you want from your partner. Whatever the case, you should try to find what works best for you and what will bring you the most relief and comfort during this turbulent time. Whether it’s separation, time off, the end of a relationship, or forgiveness.
Try not to make split-second decisions. When you become aware of reality, it is natural to be angry, hurt, emotional, and upset. Try not to make decisions in that emotional state as they tend to be unstable and irrational. It is important that you think about your decision with a calm mind.
Dr Rachna Khanna Singh is HOD – Holistic Medicine, Artemis Hospital, Gurgaon, Relationship, Lifestyle and Stress Management Specialist
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